快猫短视频

As the end of 2024 approaches, I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has shared their dilemmas with me over the past year. For my festive column, let us address a nearly universal complaint: holiday arguments.

It should be no surprise that feelings run high over the holiday season. We may hope to spend the day bonding over our shared past, but life is more complicated than a Christmas movie, as old resentments bubble under the surface. Soak everyone in alcohol and it takes just one small spark to set the whole gathering alight with accusations and recriminations.

If this sounds familiar, then I have a technique that might help you lower the temperature at the tensest moments. It stems from the fact that many arguments escalate through threats to our self-integrity 鈥� the concept of ourselves as good, moral and successful people. A family member鈥檚 jibe leads us to feel that our very identity is crumbling, and we react with avoidance, descending into a sulky silence, or attack 鈥� by lashing out in kind. This is likely to provoke further criticism, of course, as we find ourselves picking over past offences anew.

, is 鈥渟elf-affirmation鈥�. Not to be confused with manifesting or mantras, this evidence-backed strategy involves writing down five to 10 of your own qualities and values that are most important 鈥� things like independence, humour, creativity or a work ethic. You then take your number one choice and spend a few more minutes reflecting on why it is so central to your life.

The is to promote a stronger and more expansive sense of who we are, so that small slights no longer pack the same punch. At the very least, we should feel any criticisms less keenly, so that we don鈥檛 spend the rest of the day picking over the perceived insult. , we may find it in ourselves to feel more love and connection to our aggressor, and come to accept their view. at the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania has found that can improve the quality of people鈥檚 apologies, for instance.

You may choose to self-affirm at the start of the day, to gird yourself for what follows, or apply the technique as you cool down after a disagreement 鈥� whenever suits you best.

If you find that it helps you through your family reunion, you might aim to make it a habit throughout the New Year. published in August reported that people who spontaneously self-affirm during times of conflict enjoy greater satisfaction, commitment and intimacy with their long-term partners, compared with those who don鈥檛.

What better way is there to end one year, and begin a new one, than strengthening relationships with the people you love?

David Robson is an award-winning science writer and author of The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life.
Drop David a line with your social dilemmas at

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