I WAS in the eighth grade when Chandler Bing and Friends became a regular part of the NBC line-up. Even as a young teen, Friends helped me to imagine what my world would look like post-college, living in New York City surrounded by a quirky collection of friends who had my back through thick and thin.
Funny and handsome with a dash of self-deprecation, Chandler, played by Matthew Perry, was the type of boyfriend I hoped I would have. And even though I would never know Perry personally, it felt like we grew up together – me through my teenage years and him through his early career in that critical time before many get married, when your friends play the role of husband, wife and child.
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Waking up to the news of in late October hit me harder than I would have expected, and I think that is partly because his character was alive and well during those crucial years of development that shaped who I have become today.
I asked psychologist and grief expert Jill A. Harrington why Perry’s death has affected more than we might have anticipated – , with fans even travelling to pay tribute at the iconic New York apartment used as the exterior of the main Friends apartment.
Harrington partly puts it down to Perry’s humanity. He was likeable and relatable both on and off screen. You couldn’t help but love his comedic timing, and the fact that he never took himself too seriously. His amiable character was easy to hold dear.
These attachments are what psychologists call parasocial relationships, the one-sided bonds that happen when you fall head over heels for a celebrity. They are much more common in the age of social media and streaming television – a time when our connection to fame is stronger than ever.
“Grief is all based in attachment, whether it’s perceived attachment or real,” says Harrington. “When you connect with an artist’s work, you connect not only to the artist, but to that person.”
Even if the other person doesn’t feel the same connection, it doesn’t mean the attachment doesn’t come without pain once the celebrity is gone. It isn’t just Perry: look at the public mourning that ensued when celebrities such as Prince, Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse died.
These parasocial relationships can have an influence on the way we shape our identity, says Harrington. The death of a celebrity like Perry brings many of us back to the period of life when we were watching him on TV. We remember how we felt at that time, and we realise that he will no longer be producing the art that shaped us. “When we lose iconic characters like Bing, it can feel very personal, like we lost a part of ourselves,” says Harrington.
Perry was also young, just 54, and his death was unexpected. When people that we love die suddenly like this, even those with whom we have just a parasocial relationship, it can create added grief because there was no anticipation of the loss.
Both the character of Chandler and Perry himself were open about their struggles, making them vulnerable to their audiences and to the fans they would never meet. “Perry was public about his battles with addiction,” says Harrington. “It’s a real-life struggle and even if you don’t face it yourself, you know someone who has.”
Fans simply didn’t see Perry’s death coming, and in fact we were rooting for his recovery. His untimely death has left us with a surprising amount of sadness. But at least we aren’t left to grieve alone. After all, mourning celebrities like Perry is a group effort, one where fans can come together in laughter and tears, bingeing Chandler Bing for years to come. I know what I’ll be watching tonight.
Sara Novak is a science journalist who writes about social dynamics and mental health
