You leave me no choice
One of life鈥檚 enduring mysteries concerns the existence of free will. Do we have it? Don鈥檛 we have it? Feedback desperately hopes we don鈥檛, as that makes our columns much easier to justify to the subeditors. (鈥淲e鈥檇 have loved to make it funnier, honestly, but it鈥檚 out of our hands. Take it up with management.鈥�)
That鈥檚 why we were so pleased when John Stephen Rymell forwarded us an advert he had come across while browsing the internet. Paid for by the charity Macmillan Cancer Support to promote one of its many laudable patient services, it reads: 鈥淢acmillan free will service: Register for your free will.鈥�
鈥淚 think that answers the question,鈥� says John. 鈥淲e鈥檙e not born with it, we have to apply for it.鈥� It鈥檚 an offer you may literally be unable to refuse.
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When in home
In these times of global crisis, it can be difficult to know who to listen to. The US president often appears to contradict his medical advisers, the UK prime minister seems slow to respond to a fast-changing situation, and the singer Liam Gallagher thought he had coronavirus when it turns out his house was just hot.
Many citizens of Italy appear to have no such problem. In a video compilation that has been doing the rounds on Twitter, a cast of exhausted Italian mayors variously implore, harangue and threaten their citizens to stay home. Their messaging is flawless.
鈥淚 saw a fellow citizen amiably jog up and down the street, accompanied by a dog that was visibly worn out,鈥� says one. 鈥淚 stopped and told him: 鈥楲ook, this isn鈥檛 a film. You are not Will Smith in I Am Legend. So, you have to go home.'鈥� Another responds to news of intended graduation parties with a warning that police will be in attendance. 鈥淲ith flamethrowers,鈥� he adds.
Feedback is willing to do our part to help people to do the right thing. Though we may not have flamethrowers at our disposal, our capacity for arch mockery is considered by many to be an equally fearsome weapon.
Learning together
The recent closure of schools in the UK and elsewhere has forced many parents to become impromptu teachers themselves. Home schooling is never easy at the best of times and these 鈥� as even Charles Dickens would have had to agree 鈥� are very much not the best of times.
To that end, Feedback is happy to offer our own curriculum to all parents looking to give their children a science education at home. This week, we have chosen mathematics.
The concept of zero
Sample question: If mummy has 4 hours to prepare an important presentation, answer 56 emails, write a draft paper and organise a week鈥檚 worth of dinners, how many of these tasks is she going to get done? (Answer: Zero)
The number line
Sample question: If the movie Frozen was followed by Frozen 2, what would come after Frozen 2? (Answer: 15 more repeated viewings of Frozen 1 and 2)
Geometry
Sample question: If daddy鈥檚 favourite plate is shaped like a circle, how many pieces can it be broken into by dropping it down the stairs? (Answer: Dependent on house layout)
Algebra
Sample question: If Jerry has three times more toilet roll than Susie, and twice as much toilet roll as Wendy, then why is he complaining when the store manager tells him he can鈥檛 buy any more? (Answer: We honestly don鈥檛 know)
Exponential curves
Too depressing. Ignore.
Reputable humour
The first thing people do in a crisis is spread false news. Ah, rats, we have only gone and done it ourselves. Sorry about that. We don鈥檛 actually know if it鈥檚 the first thing people do, we were overreaching. But mass anxiety does seem to make people more susceptible to stories that are scarier and less thoroughly sourced than those they would read in ordinary times.
In an attempt to track the falsehoods that have spread during the coronavirus pandemic, the media organisation Tortoise has compiled a list of some of the worst offenders.
Some are just ridiculous (from yoga gurus hospitalised for drinking remedial cow urine to the claim that Bill Gates created the new coronavirus) but others are genuinely harmful, including fake cures, doctored quotes and dodgy statistics.
Always remember to get your medical advice from reputable sources, and your advice about medical advice from humour columns at the back of science magazines.
Meta-feedback
As may be obvious to you by now, Feedback thrives on, well, feedback. As chucklesome wheezes and laughable claims from the wider world become ever more valuable in these trying times, we would like to hear more from you: do you have any feedback for Feedback? What has made you laugh or smile? What has been keeping you entertained? And, most importantly of all, do you know anybody with an amusingly apposite name?
Got a story for Feedback?
Send it to 快猫短视频, 25 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ES or you can email us at feedback@newscientist.com