My sense of self has always felt like a robust, unshakeable part of my existence, so it came as something of a shock to have it temporarily obliterated.
The agent responsible for this unusual experience was psilocybin, a chemical found in magic mushrooms. I have often reported on research into the possible use of psilocybin and other psychoactive compounds to treat depression, so was curious to volunteer for a study assessing the safety of psilocybin in people with no known mental health conditions.
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Psilocybin has been known to science since 1959 and is the subject of several ongoing mental health trials, but there have been relatively few controlled studies of the substance鈥檚 safety 鈥� an essential step before any potential treatment could be approved for medical use.
A study by King鈥檚 College London and Compass pathways, a firm developing a psilocybin therapy for depression, sought to rectify this. I signed up to be one of 89 participants, each of whom was randomly assigned either a placebo or 25 milligrams or 10 milligrams of psilocybin. On the days before and after taking the drug or placebo, we would each have our physical and mental health checked, and our emotional wellbeing and cognitive functioning tested.
On the big day, I was taken into a room at King鈥檚 College Hospital. Fake candles and an aromatiser helped make it feel a bit cosier, but it was unmistakably still a hospital room. I swallowed five capsules, lay down on a bed, put on an eye mask and headphones, and went into my own thoughts.
As the headphones played the kind of music you might expect on a relaxation playlist, I started to see purple patches in my vision. But then I remembered the classic ping pong ball experiment: if you place two halves of a table tennis ball over your eyelids, you can hallucinate without any drugs.
I got up to use the toilet and was wondering if I鈥檇 been given the placebo when I realised the letters spelling 鈥渧ery hot water鈥� above the sink were dancing.
Returning to the bed, my sense of self evaporated. I felt like a heavy weight was moving across my body. I felt like I couldn鈥檛 move my limbs 鈥� in fact, I soon forgot I had limbs or a body at all. My everyday thoughts, memories, concerns were long gone.
It occurred to me that psychedelic trips can be frightening, but that felt impossible 鈥� there was no 鈥渕e鈥� to be frightened. Instead, there was only a state of utter peace and a feeling of connection to the entire universe. The inconsequential music in my ears became indescribably beautiful and I felt as though I were a cello string.
I wondered if perhaps I had taken a placebo and my brain had done all this by itself, an idea that made me laugh. I laughed and cried, unsure exactly why.
Eventually, my bodily sensations and sense of self began to return, and I felt rather shaken. Time to answer some questionnaires.
I was unable to agree with adjectives like agitated, strong or enthusiastic 鈥� I didn鈥檛 feel any of these 鈥� but I strongly agreed that I felt 鈥渁 sense of oneness鈥� and that 鈥渕y everyday concerns seemed unimportant鈥�.
Reassuringly, when lead researcher James Rucker presented the team鈥檚 trial results last month at a meeting of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology, they revealed no impairments in cognitive or emotional function as a result of the drug, and no safety issues to be concerned about. I wasn鈥檛 surprised to learn that I had received the 25 milligram dose.
Participating in the study gave me a sense of how psilocybin might be of use in treating depression. Feeling freed of the burdens of my ego was a powerful experience. In some trials of the drug in people with depression, those who experienced feelings of bliss, insight and unity were more likely to see long-term benefits in their mental health.
鈥淚t creates a sense that, no matter what the symptoms are, they have agency over that,鈥� says Ekaterina Malievskaia of Compass Pathways.
Besides collecting valuable data on drug safety, the study was an opportunity to train therapists to support people undergoing psilocybin-assisted therapy. Compass Pathways is currently running a clinical trial of psilocybin therapy at 18 sites in Europe and North America, including King鈥檚 College London, involving people whose depression hasn鈥檛 been helped by existing treatments. The results are due in early 2021.
There is plenty of the excitement about psychedelic medicine, but Rucker is cautious. 鈥淩arely does any treatment actually live up to the hype,鈥� he says. 鈥淭he thing with psychiatry and mental health problems is everyone is different and different treatments suit different people at different times. Psychedelics aren鈥檛 a replacement for anything, they are an addition.鈥�
