鈥淐ONVERSATION should be like juggling,鈥� wrote Evelyn Waugh in Brideshead Revisited. 鈥淯p go the balls and the plates, up and over, in and out, good solid objects that glitter in the footlights and fall with a bang if you miss them.鈥�
How many of us feel that we regularly manage those acrobatics with aplomb? Whether it is the work Christmas party or a family gathering, the holiday season forces even the most unsociable of us to leave our shells and make small talk. Particularly when we are meeting new people, many of us leave conversations with the distinct feeling that we could have made a better impression.
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If that sounds familiar to you, I have two pieces of good news. The first is that the reality is unlikely to be bad as your fears, with studies showing that how well we are perceived by others, a phenomenon called the 鈥渓iking gap鈥�. The second is that psychological research can offer us some definitive tips on the art of conversation. From the etiquette of eye contact or how much personal space is appropriate, to the most tactful way to make an exit should the conversation go south, these findings will help you to present your best self at any social occasion.
Close encounters
If you want to make a better first impression, one of the most important things to understand is that your words matter less than the general backdrop of feelings you and your interlocutor may be having, many of which are out of your control. Even the . But you can avoid subtle behaviours that may worsen someone鈥檚 mood.
Consider interpersonal distance. We have all met people who get too close for comfort, but you don鈥檛 want to feel like you are shouting across a football pitch, either. The optimum space while conversing, according to a study of nearly 9000 people in 42 countries, , depending on the person鈥檚 culture and the nature of the relationship between you, among other factors (see 鈥�Move closer鈥�).
鈥淒on鈥檛 worry about breaking your gaze and looking at someone鈥檚 cheek for a bit鈥�
In the research, conducted by a team at the University of Wroclaw, Poland, the closest talkers were found in Argentina and Norway, where people were happy to chat to someone they knew well with just 40 cm between them, about the amount of space you鈥檇 need to squeeze in a beach ball. In the UK, about 99 cm is preferred for a complete stranger. That is around the width of a kitchen table. Between acquaintances, the ideal distance is about 81 cm, and for close friends, this falls to 56 cm. That is just about enough room for you to both comfortably hold your plates of canap茅s without them touching. People in the US seem to be comfortable with slightly cosier encounters: they are happy to be about 95 cm from a stranger, 69 cm from an acquaintance and 48 cm from a close friend. If you are visiting Romania, however, be sure to keep any new associate at much more than arm鈥檚 length, as people there generally prefer to leave around 140 cm between strangers.
These aren鈥檛 rigid rules, so don鈥檛 take a tape measure to each meeting, but do try to consider whether you regularly overstep those invisible boundaries.
The greatest form of flattery
As all comedians know, one of the easiest ways to ridicule someone is to mimic them 鈥� hardly a good way to make friends at a party. Yet subtler imitations of someone鈥檚 mannerisms can lay the foundations of a good rapport. The aim is to reduce the psychological distance between people, essentially by .
It is now well established that mirroring someone鈥檚 posture and facial expressions can and increase cooperation between people. Less well known is the fact that , by mimicking accent, pitch or , can also work in your favour. Even simply words back to them can create a sense of bonhomie.
The benefits go both ways: the person doing the mirroring will feel more positive , and the person being imitated will feel more in return.
Look into my eyes
The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul, and for good reason, as helps us read emotions more accurately. That is probably why we find it so disconcerting when someone avoids our gaze: it makes them something to hide or are less trustworthy.
Unless you and your conversation partner are already in love, however, too much eye contact can be uncomfortably intense. No one wants to feel like they are being eyeballed. So what is the optimum amount?
Nicola Binetti at University College London and his colleagues and asked them to watch close-up videos of actors gazing into a camera, so it looked as if they were staring directly into their eyes. Most participants were happy with a maximum of 3.3 seconds of eye contact before they started to feel uncomfortable, a finding that roughly fits with reports from real-life interactions.
Shy people may find even this level of eye contact too intimidating, but further research has shown don鈥檛 notice whether you are looking them directly in the eye or at some nearby point on their face. Don鈥檛 worry about breaking your gaze and focusing on their cheek or forehead for a bit whenever you feel uncomfortable, because this 鈥渆ye contact illusion鈥� will still make it clear you are listening attentively.
Is that too much to ask?
I recently met up with an acquaintance for a couple of drinks. By the end of our conversation, I was pretty sure I could write his biography: he told me the ins and outs of his job, his childhood and his love life. As for me? He asked just one question in 3 hours.
This is a common experience, says Karen Huang at Harvard Business School, particularly when we are first getting to know someone. 鈥淚n first encounters, the default behaviour seems to be to want to talk about oneself, in order to impress the other person,鈥� she says. It is rarely as charming as these people think.
In laboratory experiments, Huang and her colleagues have found that conversation can reliably predict how much they like you afterwards. During a speed-dating event, it also predicted how likely they were to agree to a second date.
The specific type of question matters. 鈥淪witch鈥� questions, which alter the topic of conversation, are less charming than follow-ups that build on the person鈥檚 current topic. 鈥淔ollow-ups signal a kind of emotional responsiveness and care for the other person,鈥� says Huang. By increasing your understanding of the other person, follow-up questions should also ensure that your own gambits are better suited to their interests.
Get some rhythm
A verbal back and forth really is akin to juggling or dancing, with various studies confirming that turn-taking in conversation is carefully timed. We achieve this coordination through subtle signals: , say, or slight stretches of the last word or syllable when we expect the other person to take the conversational baton. If you are describing an event at the office Christmas party, for instance, you might say 鈥渁nd then the whole room went SILENT鈥�, dropping your pitch and adding emphasis to the last word to indicate that your story is over and you are ready for your listener鈥檚 reaction.
The flow that comes with seamless turn-taking gives us the feeling that we have 鈥渃licked鈥� with someone. 鈥淭he flow is somehow a gauge of whether our relationship is good,鈥� says Namkje Koudenburg at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands. led by Julia Hirschberg at Columbia University in New York found that the shorter the gaps between turns, the greater the rapport reported between individuals. Slight pauses that break up this rhythm make us feel uncomfortable, however, as though we haven鈥檛 been understood or appreciated.
Perhaps that is why Skype conversations can be so excruciating. Koudenburg and her colleagues asked people sitting in separate cubicles to talk to each other about their holidays through electronic headsets. During half of the conversations, Koudenburg introduced a 1-second delay into the link, which disrupted their natural coordination. Afterwards, these participants were a sense of connection to their conversation partner compared with those who had experienced no delays.
Koudenburg emphasises that this all depends on circumstance. Discussions involving longer silences may be more comfortable with people you know 鈥� it is all about respecting the natural beat of the conversation as it unfolds. But if you often find that your conversations are a little stilted, it could be worth paying more attention to the subtle cues that signal turn-taking.
Recognising the rhythms of speech can also explain why it is often bad, but also sometimes good, to鈥�
鈥苍迟别谤谤耻辫迟
Nothing is as rude as the tendency to speak over other people. That is particularly common, and annoying, in the workplace. As I explain in my book, The Intelligence Trap, constant interruptions and mansplaining destroy a group dynamic, reducing the overall 鈥渃ollective intelligence鈥� and problem-solving ability. Constant interrupters are the people who try to put the 鈥淚鈥� in team.
Yet interruptions can serve a useful purpose in some face-to-face conversations if they are used to maintain, rather than disrupt, the conversational flow. You might interject to finish someone鈥檚 thought, for instance, particularly if they are already trailing off their sentence, since that helps to avoid an awkward gap in the dialogue. One study of speed daters found that these interruptions were with a greater sense of connectedness and understanding between the speakers. So don鈥檛 be afraid to step in occasionally if it helps maintain conversational momentum.
Forget your phone
Would you like it if someone were constantly peering over your shoulder at a party to find someone more interesting or popular to talk to? No? Then don鈥檛 鈥減hub鈥� either. This is the act of snubbing someone for your phone by interrupting your conversation to check for new updates. It is an increasingly common phenomenon, according to by Karen Douglas at the University of Kent, UK. 鈥淧eople phub others all the time without thinking it鈥檚 a problem,鈥� she says.
Whether it is in your hand or on a table between you, the mere presence of a phone may reduce empathy between people in a conversation, says a study by Shalini Misra at Virginia Tech and her colleagues. Other work has suggested that it the perceived quality of the discussion. If you want a meaningful conversation, just put your phone away.
A soft exit
All of these pointers are based on the assumption that you like and respect the person with whom you are talking. But what if you are stuck with less-than-agreeable company? Particularly with today鈥檚 fraught politics, it can sometimes be hard to find common ground. Fortunately, you can use these insights to put a gentle end to such discussions.
Koudenburg鈥檚 work on the rhythm of conversation, for instance, suggests one way to tacitly signal your disapproval without open confrontation: simply let a few short but slightly awkward pauses speak for themselves. 鈥淪ilence can communicate your disagreement,鈥� she says. You could also subtly change your body language 鈥� or simply place your phone on the table to indicate that your interest is waning.
