That鈥檚 methed up
In these troubled times, it can be difficult to know exactly what flavour of dystopia we are living through. There are moments when it seems like the one where a superintelligent AI takes over the world; then a heatwave strikes and it all feels closer to a Mad Max-style anarcho-wasteland. For a few days last week, however, it looked as though something radically different was going to devastate the human race: meth-crazed mutant crocodilians from the swamps of Tennessee.
On , CNN reported that police in the 鈥渧olunteer state鈥� had asked residents to stop flushing their drugs down the toilet during police raids, because of the risk to local wildlife. 鈥淒ucks, geese and other fowl frequent our treatment ponds and we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do,鈥� the police wrote on Facebook. Break into a breadcrumb factory, probably, or hold up park visitors at beakpoint for seeds. But the situation was set to get worse: the drugs could make it as far as Shoal Creek, the police warned, home to a population of alligators.
Sadly for those of us whose interest was piqued by this newer, scalier brand of apocalypse, the existence of 鈥渕eth gators鈥� turned out to be a humorous exaggeration. A few days after their initial announcement, the police admitted that they had been joking. The risk of becoming the victim of an alligator鈥檚 bad trip remains vanishingly small.
Advertisement
But that may still be preferable to the future awaiting those beside the , where a population of American crocodiles has set up home in the grounds of a nuclear power station. Classified as a vulnerable species following decades of human persecution, the colony of crocodiles inhabiting the canals around the power plant in Turkey Point, Florida, is being closely monitored by conservationists, who are perhaps wary of the emergence of a vengeful superpowered mutant croc.
鈥淎merican crocodiles have a bad reputation when they are just trying to survive,鈥� wildlife biologist Michael Lloret told . 鈥淭hey are shy and want nothing to do with us. Humans are too big to be on their menu.鈥� For now, Michael. For now.
Captain Instagram
If we are to face an army of irradiated super-crocs, it is only fair that the human race has its own superpowered hero to lead the charge. Thankfully, social media influencers are hard at work on their own origin stories.
Previously, Feedback noted how visitors to the 鈥淪iberian Maldives鈥� (a photogenic pool of ethereal blue that is also a flooded coal ash dump) were risking painful skin irritations to get likes on Instagram (27 July). Now, the , following the discovery of an equally vivid lake in Monte Neme in Galicia. Several people have now fallen ill after bathing in this tailings pond of an abandoned tungsten mine.
If there is one thing we know from comic books, it is that a dip in toxic goo is a sure-fire way to get super: just ask Daredevil or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As far as we know, none of the Siberian or Galician swimmers has achieved the power of flight or super strength, but surely it is only a matter of time before one of them is granted something better than dermatological distress.
Money to burn
Heroes need cool kit if they are to fight crime 鈥� and mutant crocodiles 鈥� in style. Thankfully, our current dystopia provides both a challenge and a solution. Hitting the shelves imminently is the , a long-distance incendiary device that can be attached to a commercial drone.
The $1500 gasoline-fuelled flamethrower can dispense up to 100 seconds of fiery justice over a range of 7 metres. The Throwflame website describes the device as 鈥渄esigned for remote ignition of aerial and ground targets鈥� 鈥� well, what did you expect? 鈥� and notes that it isn鈥檛 considered a weapon under US federal law. Hoo-ah!
Throwflame also says its drone attachment brings 鈥渘ew levels of efficiency and manageability to agriculture鈥�. Ah yes, agriculture. Repeat after us: no officer, I haven鈥檛 seen any drug-crazed alligators nearby. This? Oh, this flame-drone is just an old piece of farming equipment. Good day!
Is it a bird鈥�?
Meanwhile, Steve Jones notes that superheroes may already walk among us. On Instagram, pop star Grimes sticks her tongue firmly in her cheek to reveal her training regimen.
鈥淚 first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc [鈥 From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to 鈥榓stro-glide鈥� to other dimensions 鈥� past, present, and future鈥�.
鈥淚n the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew [鈥 I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.鈥� She adds: 鈥淚 go to bed with a humidifier on.鈥�
Our guess is that the Canadian warbler is mocking the over the top workout plans of fellow celebrities such as Mark Wahlberg. But just to be on the safe side, Feedback is making a spotlight that beams a maple leaf silhouette into the sky in times of crisis.
You can send stories to Feedback by email at feedback@newscientist.com. Please include your home address.聽