Elf and safety
HIGHWAY officials in Germany, who pride themselves on being open-minded and supporting all citizens, have really outdone themselves. Their latest idea is to hire 鈥渆lf commissioners鈥� to improve safety on a notorious stretch of road. The A2 autobahn outside Hannover sees five accidents a day, on average, something concerned citizen Melanie R眉ter suggested was the result of trolls and elves disturbed by traffic noise.
The Hannoversche Allgemeine newspaper reports that R眉ter and 鈥渁nimal communicator鈥� Marion Lindhof accompanied an official from the highway authority for a routine check of perimeter fences. They noted 鈥渧ery sad energies鈥� emanating from several points of the motorway 鈥� drivers will know the feeling.
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R眉ter asked the elves to look kindly on travellers, while Lindhof apologised to local boars. They then declared that the psychic wounds had been 鈥渆nergetically sealed鈥�.
R眉ter says her methods will prove effective, and is calling for the government to establish an official elf commissioner, someone whose job it is to be away with the fairies in a professional capacity. German news site notes that soon after the blessing, a nearby collision between two lorries left one driver with life-threatening injuries.
鈥淲e reported on the discovery of a 73,000-year-old drawing in red crayon, resembling a hashtag. Sadly the rest is missing, so the trending topic of the Middle Stone Age remains a mystery鈥�
A lot of bottle
RARELY a week goes by when Feedback isn鈥檛 confronted by the discovery of new, increasingly exotic, forms of water. Previously we have noted the existence of sacred geometry water, radio-wave infused water, 鈥渟exy water鈥�, iceberg water, alkaline water and even raw water, for those who feel other waters don鈥檛 provide them with enough dysentery.
This time we must thank muscle-bound actor and former New Kid on the Block Mark Wahlberg. When reports of his awe-inspiring workout schedule made the news (鈥�2:30am 鈥� wake up鈥�) there he was promoting superwater AQUAhydrate.
The beverage is purified of any trace minerals, minerals are then added back and the drink is subjected to 鈥渁 rigorous ionization process that changes the DNA of the water increasing the pH to a 9+ level鈥� for a 2-year shelf life鈥�.
The capacity of water to absorb such esoteric processes seems to be matched only by its ability to turn them into money. That鈥檚 what we call a liquid asset!
High spirits
THE world鈥檚 first champagne for astronauts has been launched by French winery Mumm. The Grand Cordon Stellar project addresses a gap in the market: low Earth orbit will soon feature lots of wealthy space tourists, but few bars. To celebrate, Mumm chartered a parabolic flight so that journalists and Usain Bolt could sample the zero-g fizz (Feedback鈥檚 invitation was presumably lost in the post). But without the pull of gravity, wine cannot be poured from a bottle, and carbonated drinks effervesce into foam. Mumm crafted a bottle that allows space sommeliers to squirt globules of alcoholic foam into the air, which thirsty travellers can catch with glass scoops. Marvellous!
Mumm may have to wait some time to see a return on their investment. Despite the hype, space tour companies have yet to get off the ground. At least the champagne served to the first group of high fliers will be well aged.
Lake of stars
GLOWING stones have been discovered on the Michigan shores of Lake Superior 鈥� but fear not, they are totally safe. Local rock collector Erik Rintamaki made the surprise . To his surprise, he found a previously unrecorded deposit of fluorescent sodalite.
Exciting news for residents of Michigan鈥檚 Upper Peninsula (UP), affectionately known as Yoopers. Once geologists had confirmed Rintamaki鈥檚 discovery, they also accepted his suggested name for the mineral: Yooperlite.
In the pink
SOME of Russia鈥檚 aquatic life may be feeling green around the gills, after two lakes near the city of Samara turned a lurid shade of pink.
While Russia is no stranger to toxic liquids turning up in unexpected places, the cause of the sudden burst of colour is unknown. An algal bloom, pollution or a chemical reaction with the underlying bedrock are all speculated. Suspicion has also fallen on local businesses, which include a concrete factory, a pig farm and a brewery. The last of which, at least, will ensure residents have something to drink until the water clears.
Military monster
THE US Air Force is hunting for a kraken. Specifically, the 628th Force Support Squadron would like somebody to build them a kraken costume, as revealed in a tender posted to .
The costume needs to be navy blue, water-repellent, have between eight and 10 tentacles (arms optional), and ideally be machine washable.
Although we would like to believe that the outfit is part of an elaborate prank to spook navy divers during their next night-time exercise, the kraken will be deployed as a mascot at sporting events and parades.
Dressmakers should note that the costume must be delivered in 12 weeks. As the 628th should say from now on: 鈥淟et鈥檚 get kraken鈥�.
Feedback is commissioning our own virtual reality environment where we inhabit the body of Bill Gates. It is expensive, but we are confident the experience will boost our earnings potential. We just need to wait until we are inside our virtual Bill Gates to figure out how this will happen.
, a credo taken to heart by the East Japan Railway Company. The firm will spend two years on network improvements to the bullet train service between Ueno and Omiya that will cut the journey time by a whole minute.
The improvements will further muffle sound and vibrations emanating from the levitating train, allowing it go from a restricted speed of 110 kilometres per hour in that section to 130 km/h without disturbing residents. A spokesperson told Nikkei that even a minute was a 鈥渂ig step鈥� considering the increased number of passengers served.
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