A quacking idea
LONG-TIME readers will recall the continuing adventures of Phillip Clapham鈥檚 dog, a canine researcher with an enviable publication record (15 June 2013). After becoming fed up with invitations to speak at dubious pay-to-attend conferences of no relevance to his work, Phillip began returning applications in his terrier鈥檚 name, on topics such as the potential to power city grids with giant hamsters running in wheels.
Credited as Alice N. W眉nderlandt, (a graduate of Lutenblag State University with a dissertation entitled 鈥淟ocomotor energetics of Sciurus carolinensis in flight: strategies for pursuit鈥�), his dog鈥檚 most recent effort is titled 鈥淟ow-cost physical oceanographic profiling using a recyclable fuliguline sampling system鈥�. Remarking that the use of expendable bathythermographs contributes to ocean pollution, W眉nderlandt proposes a reusable system based on sea ducks trained to dive to appropriate depths to collect readings.
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鈥淛ames Parsons spots a universal smoking ban in Birmingham, where someone has posted a sign outside a hotel declaring 鈥淣o smoking within 15 feet of anywhere鈥濃��
鈥淚n the event of terminal fuliguline failure,鈥� it adds, 鈥渢he depth-deceased is鈥� recovered using a patented Canine Retrieval System鈩�. Unserviceable units can then be processed in a standard convection oven at 230掳C (450掳F) and internally recycled with a sauce 谩 l鈥檕range.鈥�
Enter the Matrix
WHO reads the terms and conditions these days? Maybe not even those publishing them. How else to explain that passengers on the UK鈥檚 Greater Anglia trains who wish to use the on-board Wi-Fi must agree to a service that is 鈥渂lack garage stellar hacker courier assassin hotdog mimetic polycarbon suits鈥�, and that conduct online will be 鈥渞ifle face forwards augmented reality katana advert corporation footage refrigerator tattoo icebreaker鈥�.
鈥淪ure, I want an augmented reality katana 鈥� who doesn鈥檛?鈥� says Lex Lang. 鈥淏ut I don鈥檛 know how to use one well enough to provide footage of me using it to tattoo a fridge.鈥�
It seems somebody at Greater Anglia is a fan of science fiction author William Gibson 鈥� or at least the 鈥淟orem Gibson鈥� by David Weaver, which produces cyberpunk-themed filler text on demand, distilled from the author鈥檚 works. Much quicker and more interesting than penning reams of legal jargon, and the result is no less intelligible.
Wide of the mark
BY NOW, we suspect British astronaut Tim Peake may have clocked up more miles in his relentless press tour than he did during his six months in orbit. Yet there鈥檚 always room for a novel question.
On ITV鈥檚 This Morning, host Amanda Holden threw the major a curveball by asking if, following his stay on board the International Space Station, he would be taking a piece of the moon home with him.
Priorities straight
IN LOCAL news: Stephen Etzel forwards a headline from the Hartford Courant. 鈥淐onnecticut Children鈥檚 Hospital Welcomes New President,鈥� it announces. 鈥淕il Peri Stresses Focus on Kids.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 certainly glad they hired the right guy,鈥� says Stephen.
Going by the book
HOT on the heels of that unwelcome US import David 鈥淎vocado鈥� Wolfe (14 October), Feedback discovers more windblown seeds arriving on our shore. Ken Ham and his merry band of creationists are due to speak at the UK Creation Mega Conference 2017.
The event brings young Earth talent to the heart of the UK 鈥� specifically, the Bethel convention centre in West Bromwich, located between Bromford Lane Allotments and the Kelvin Way industrial estate.
Speakers include Nathaniel T. Jeanson, author of Replacing Darwin: The New Origin of Species, the existence of which is, we suspect, the only reason there鈥檚 any doubt in the recent Telegraph headline, 鈥淚s AN Wilson鈥檚 biography the worst book about Darwin ever written?鈥�
Topics tabled for discussion include 鈥淕eological Evidence for a Young Earth鈥�, 鈥淏ig problems with the Big Bang鈥�, and the question on all our lips, 鈥淲hy Build an Evangelistic Life-Size Ark?鈥�. Feedback鈥檚 attention is drawn to Voddie Baucham Jr鈥檚 presentation on 鈥淭he Global War on Manhood and Marriage鈥�, which seems rather off-topic. Perhaps he thinks this is an audience receptive to far-fetched world views with little basis in reality?
Cereal number
: if Protestant-themed breakfast cereal makers Quaker Oats reduce the sugar content of their Apples and Cinnamon instant oatmeal mix from 12 grams per sachet to 6g, what size reduction does that make?
If you said 50 per cent, we鈥檙e afraid you鈥檙e out of luck: Quaker advertises their reduced sugar variety as having 35 per cent less sugar. However, this is not a misprint but a lesson in the fine art of absolute and relative differences. Sachets of reduced sugar oatmeal weigh in at 31g, whereas regular packs are 43g. (Pedants will have spotted this equates to a 31 per cent reduction in sugar, but we鈥檒l assume a rounding error is in play).
Yes, the packs not only boast reduced sugar, but reduced everything. It鈥檚 certainly one way to cut calories, and a reminder that nutritional claims, like porridge, are best served with a pinch of salt.