Dog and bone
THE cosmos calls on us once again to usher the golden tufts of TV presenter, positivity ambassador and electrosmog campaigner Noel Edmonds onto our page. Having previously extolled the virtues of a supposedly cancer-busting electronic yoga mat (25 June), the Deal or No Deal host has a new service for those who have everything: a radio station for animals. Positively Pets will soon join Edmonds鈥檚 鈥済enre-casting鈥� smorgasbord of built around themes such as slimming, babies and snow 鈥� all presumably aimed at people who haven鈥檛 heard of Spotify playlists.
As well as curating an animal-friendly channel to keep your pets entertained while you鈥檙e away from home, the House Party star will phone your pet and read out a message of support.
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Edmonds previously claimed to be part of a consortium that planned to purchase the BBC: is this a window into the new audiences he would pursue on becoming director-general?
鈥淢artin Necas sends a message from a hospital clinic attendance database: 鈥淪orry, cannot check whether this patient is frozen.鈥� And if they were?鈥�
Popping pills
BARRY CASH writes to note a deficiency of fruitloopery in our column of late, and offers to remedy that with an enclosed pamphlet for 鈥淪izzling Minerals鈥� by Simply Naturals. The flyer is packed with information; unfortunately for readers, much of it is simply nuts. For instance, we are told that dinosaurs 鈥渨ere able to grow to enormous sizes because the minerals and nutrients were available in the soil鈥�. Make soils great again!
Testimonials are included from happy customers, who find themselves relieved of the effects of age, diabetes, rheumatism, deformity, lack of fitness, psoriasis, combat fatigue, multiple sclerosis and asthma. Most crucially, Anthony Twohill reports that after being fed Sizzling Minerals, his two racehorses are now storming to victory, adding that 鈥渂lood proves negative for any banned substances鈥�. Good to know for any customers planning to enter the Grand National.
The flyer also warns against the dangers of sodium chloride and its link with high blood pressure. Instead it recommends 鈥済ood鈥� sodium. 鈥淣ow, as I remember, pure sodium bursts into flame on contact with water,鈥� says Barry, 鈥渟o this mineral will certainly sizzle in the mouth.鈥�
Sifting for answers
COMPUTER scientist Robert Garner is left straining over the maths he finds printed on his jumbo bag of kitty litter. The 鈥淲orld鈥檚 Best Cat Litter鈥� claims to provide enough for two cats for 60 days, and four cats for 30 days.
鈥淔air enough,鈥� says Robert. 鈥淭he formula appears to be 120 days divided by the number of cats.鈥� But those with three cats are told they can expect each sack to last 45 days. 鈥淲here do the extra five days come from?鈥� he muses.
Plot a course
WE JUST can鈥檛 help ourselves. Peter Rodriguez spots a headline in the New Zealand Herald: 鈥淔ormer navy boss takes helm at RSA.鈥� His name: Jack Steer.
Gotta catch 鈥檈m all
OH, THE perils of Pok茅mon Go: the journal Oxford Medical Case Reports details two accidents caused by players chasing after digital creatures in the hit augmented-reality game. In one, a female driver hit a utility pole after swerving to avoid a pedestrian who wandered into the road while immersed in the .
Perhaps more frighteningly, the second involved a 19-year-old man who attempted to swipe his phone to capture a Pok茅mon 鈥� while driving a pickup truck at 65 kilometres per hour.
He lost control of the vehicle, hospitalising himself and ejecting three friends from the bed as it rolled over. Players are advised to pocket their phones when on or near roads. It鈥檚 super-effective!
Anointing oil
RECENTLY Feedback discussed the ongoing battle over the shale gas industry in the UK, with those on all sides throwing accusations they could not substantiate (8 October). In the US, they do things differently.
Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin designated 13 October as , during which citizens can eat breakfast together and beseech higher powers to rescue the state from an economic crisis precipitated by crashing oil prices. US president Harry Truman famously kept a sign on his desk reminding him 鈥淭he buck stops here.鈥� Senator Fallin appears to have delegated to a yet higher power.
Perils of dessertification
OUR colleagues in the preceding pages labour to present climate models in a form easily digestible by readers. Jonathon Keats has gone one better, creating a suite of sweets to embody climate change.
鈥淯sing a breakthrough scientific technique known as data gastronification,鈥� says Keats, 鈥渋nformation is sensed by your alimentary canal and processed by your enteric nervous system. Rather than merely glancing at the complex relationship between fossil fuels, the atmosphere and the planet, you feel it in your gut.鈥�
Keats, an 鈥渆xperimental philosopher鈥�, has rendered the warming seas and melting permafrost in ice cream, 鈥渢he perfect food for gastronifying climate scenarios鈥�, and a product for which demand can only grow as we swelter in unseasonal heat.
What does climate change taste like though? Rich and indulgent, but with a bitter aftertaste, perhaps. Visitors to the in Berlin, Germany, next month will be able to find out. Given that we鈥檙e so often told big data will eat the planet, here鈥檚 your chance to bite back.