Feedback is our weekly column of bizarre stories, implausible advertising claims, confusing instructions and more
Indemnifies, holds harmless
WHILING away half an hour after the rigmarole to get on to the Eurostar train in Brussels, Feedback resorted to the internet. Of course we were asked to 鈥渁ccept and understand the terms and conditions鈥� of the Wi-Fi service. Unlike almost every user, and having only an economics journal for non-electronic diversion, we decided to read these. All .
And what鈥檚 this? 鈥淵ou declare, at your own cost, to defend and protect 10SA HOTSPOTS, and all its branch offices, employees and directors, against any costs, damages and legal costs resulting from any damage claims made through the use of the Services which may have violated the rights of any third party or any law.鈥�
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Any law? This reminds us of photographers鈥� reports that The Scotsman newspaper required them not to breach 鈥渁ny law of any country鈥� 鈥� when photography was illegal in Afghanistan.
Rereading those terms with our pedant-meter turned up to 11, we discovered that we appear to be liable only if the way a claim was made violates a right or law 鈥� not necessarily for its content. So we lied when we said we understood. Our relief is tempered by the further realisation that by clicking on the dotted line, we accepted 鈥渁ny future versions鈥� of the conditions: who knows what they may turn out to be?
Andrew Doble sends a photo of a pot of maraschino cherry yogurt 鈥渨ith other natural flavours鈥�. So is the lurid maraschino totally innocent of brine, colouring and glucose syrup?
Terms and conditions refused
TERMS and conditions like those discussed above tempt Feedback towards the policy adopted by a mathematical physicist of our acquaintance. This entails setting up a system to automatically delete all emails that end with alleged contracts asserting, 鈥渂y reading this you agree鈥︹�� Our friend reasons that understanding such alleged agreements is above their pay grade 鈥� which is now professor, despite the difficulty that their university鈥檚 Human Resources department may have had getting in touch with them.
I hereby assign my first-born
POSSIBLY, just possibly, the above terms and conditions were an example of Belgian humour, which appreciates the surreal nearly as much as does this column. They were, however, trumped by the security researchers who gained wide coverage for setting up a sham public Wi-Fi service and persuading six Londoners to sign away their firstborn child in return for internet access. Their company headquarters are in Helsinki and their 鈥淗erod clause鈥� is consistent with some of the Finnish humour we have heard.
Free sample dehydrated water
ARRIVING at London鈥檚 lovely St Pancras Station, after that journey from Brussels spent studying terms and conditions, Feedback was bashfully approached by a young person in a branded tabard who muttered 鈥渉ydration tablets鈥�. They thrust into our hand a small sachet that, by feel, contains two quite dry tablets.
This appears to be the closest we have come to dehydrated water, a substance whose marketing has intrigued Feedback since at least 10 May 2003. Well done, Clinova of Southampton for selling 44 grams of glucose and a pinch of salts and flavour . We rapidly found straight glucose 鈥� one-twenty-seventh the price.
Watch watch
THE much-publicised Apple watch will undoubtedly play many modern tricks (20 September, p 22). But an old-style engineer known to Feedback is puzzled by how it will tell the time.
At the launch, Apple boss Tim Cook stood in front of a giant image of the watch. Its face showed the time as exactly 10.09. But the second hand was very precisely on 6, and thus a full 30 seconds out of sync with the minutes.
Then we looked at an advert for a very pricey non-Apple watch. It had the same issue. So are the ritzier watch hands no longer geared to show where we are in the continuum of time? Are they now merely a quasi-analogue representation of digital time?
Feedback plans soon to revisit the corridor at Geneva airport that is decorated entirely with images of improbably expensive watches. We plan to take photos to analyse their displays. If we suddenly disappear, please make representations to the Swiss airport security service to help explain that our intentions were entirely scientific.
Watch don鈥檛 need no education
FINALLY, Danny Collins reminds us of another strange feature of watch marketing. Omega has run many ads for its Speedmaster watch, as famously used by the Apollo astronauts.
The ads鈥� slogan is 鈥溾��. As Danny explains in some detail, what the Apollo astronauts saw was the far side of the moon: there is no such thing as 鈥渢he dark side鈥�.
After attracting even stranger looks than usual by shunting a mango, an avocado and a tomato around the kitchen table to represent the celestial bodies, we see his point. So is this a watch with non-existent attributes? Or will it keep time with the rotation of the avocado round the mango?