Costly non-existent conferences
ORGANISERS of 鈥渟camferences鈥� don鈥檛 just want to make money from innocent academics who book rooms at non-existent hotels (9 June). Guy Cox writes that sometimes the aim seems to be a bit more sinister: 鈥淚 signed up for one in Florida, which promised that my air fare and hotel would be paid, and my visa would be arranged. So the form asked for full details of my passport.鈥�
Advertisement
This would of course be prime identity-theft material, and it reminds us that the proposal from our hypothetical academic 鈥淛o De Selby of Dalkey University, Argentina鈥� to present a paper entitled 鈥淗ermeneutics of innovation in the panopticon鈥� was eagerly accepted by the organisers of the 鈥淐limate Change Volunteer Conference 2012鈥� (18 August). We wrote to the host venue, the 鈥淩oyal Eco Hotel鈥� 鈥� whose location in the real world is a shoe shop not far from London鈥檚 Berkeley Square 鈥� asking about a reservation.
The response, headed 鈥淩oyal Eco Hotel鈥�, offered a 鈥淐lassic Room鈥� for 拢99 per night 鈥� for central London, a bargain! It said the hotel only accepts cash or payment through wire transfer services such as Western Union or MoneyGram, and asked us to 鈥渇orward a scan copy鈥� of a transfer slip itemising the fee.
We asked around among acquaintances who do such money transfers, and they reckon that, armed with such a copy, a scammer could attempt to collect the money anywhere in the world 鈥� especially at a money office staffed by a covert co-conspirator.
So we wrote back politely asking instead for the hotel鈥檚 International Bank Account Number, so we could make an online payment in the now-usual way. We were utterly unsurprised to receive no response.
We were, however, subsequently startled to receive an email the day after the conference would have finished, had it existed, saying we were 鈥渆ntitled to the sum of 拢5500鈥� in refund of our expenses and inviting us to send scans showing all the payments we had made.
We began to feel the loopiness of these scammers was getting boring and decided it was time to hand the evidence to the professionals.
Normal channels at the Metropolitan Police could only open an investigation if we had actually lost money. So we have asked the Met鈥檚 press office to forward it to an interested officer. We await a response.
The English translation on the sign that Martin Hollywood saw on the Great Wall of China says helpfully, but without a map: 鈥淵ou are here鈥�
The Coop welcomes quantum people
WHEN people want to join UK retail organisation by filling in a form online, Rosy Reynolds notes, 鈥渋t is all very friendly and routine until you reach the security section鈥�.
This states that when members manage their account online or phone the Coop with a query, they will be asked one of a list of security questions, such as 鈥淧lace of birth鈥� and 鈥淵our first school鈥�. Applicants for membership are asked to 鈥渃omplete these now鈥� and are warned: 鈥淔or your own personal security, please ensure you use different responses to those on other sites.鈥�
鈥淚t appears,鈥� says Rosy, 鈥渢hat only quantum people who were born in more than one place and attended more than one first school are welcome.鈥�
SEMIOEUGENEIA was the name we gave to excessively polite signs (8 September). We鈥檙e not sure if the photo Doug Cross sends us is an example of this or of a similar phenomenon, the excessively helpful sign. It shows two adjoining plate-glass doors at an estate agent鈥檚 premises in Ulverston, Cumbria, UK.
The door on the left has a large sign bearing an arrow pointing right and the words 鈥淧lease use the other door鈥�. The door to the right has a sign with the words 鈥淭his one is the other door鈥�.
We鈥檙e reminded of the classic announcement by the driver of an underground train in London:
Driver: 鈥淧lease mind the closing doors.鈥�
The doors close鈥� and then reopen.
Driver: 鈥淧assengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called 鈥榯he doors鈥�. Let鈥檚 try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.鈥�
鈥淗EARING test鈥�, begins a sign that Robin McKellar spotted on a clinic door in Ontario, Canada: 鈥淧lease wait until you are called in.鈥� He wonders whether the clinic has devised a simple and cheap replacement for the standard hearing test: if you鈥檙e still waiting tomorrow, you fail.
FINALLY, Jonathan Colvin noticed a competition advert on the carton of Just Milk that he was making drinks with. He scanned it and sent it to us. It announces: 鈥淲in a cake in a mug* every 5 mins鈥�. The small print underneath says 鈥�*cake not included鈥�.
鈥淭his,鈥� Jonathan says, 鈥渉as to be the most bizarre way of giving away mugs I have ever encountered.鈥�