Can we have more noise please?
DESIGNERS鈥� habit of 鈥渇ixing鈥� the acoustics of products, from satisfyingly chunky clunks of closing doors to synthetic 鈥渃ombustion engine鈥� noises for electric cars (30 July), reminded Ken Green that it is not new to have problems when authenticity goes wrong.
He recalls a director of BBC radio drama in the 1940s issuing a decree banning artificial sound effects. Faithfully complying, a producer dispatched an outside-broadcast crew to a railway station to obtain the sound of a character鈥檚 train arriving.
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The returning crew was met with consternation: what they had managed to record was the sound of not much happening in the station. The steam train had coasted downhill into the station, the driver had applied the brakes with impeccable smoothness and the passengers had quietly hung from open doors awaiting their chance to jump (these being the days when that was possible).
The dramatically essential sounds of the chuffing of an approaching steam train, squealing of brakes and banging of carriage doors had to be faked in the traditional manner.
Geoffrey Hardman is grateful to for warning him: 鈥淐ertain combinations of outward and return journeys would result in you needing to leave your destination before arriving at it鈥�
Paying attention to 鈥榬umble, rumble鈥�
WHY, we wonder, are so many of the synthetic sounds that surround us concerned with transportation?
Steve Wright notes that the sound that tells you your car is indicating a turn mimics the electro-mechanical switches that haven鈥檛 controlled car indicators for decades.
Malcolm Blunden, meanwhile, says that the concern that has led to modern electric vehicles emitting fake combustion-engine sounds is nothing new. When electric trams (or streetcars) first appeared in our cities, he notes, all other traffic was horse-drawn. The UK government was worried that 鈥減edestrians, not hearing the familiar 鈥榗lip, clop鈥�, and not attributing any significance to 鈥榬umble, rumble鈥�, would walk under the wheels of the trams.鈥�
So it insisted that all trams carry a 鈥渓ifeguard鈥�. This was not, as Feedback first thought, an employee of a hypothetical Metropolitan Street Railway Company in an appropriate uniform. It was a spring-loaded wooden slatted scoop that dropped in front of the wheels if any persons 鈥� or dogs 鈥� were encountered by a trigger mechanism at the front of the tram. A great piece of Victorian engineering, in other words, and so much more practical than a gramophone recording of a horse. Perhaps electric car makers could come up with something similar.
FEEDBACK is aware that Scandinavian crime writers may challenge the conventions of the genre. But what could this mean, from the UK translation of Henning Mankell鈥檚 novel The Troubled Man: 鈥淲allander listened to the earlier messages, from a dentist and a seamstress. Louise had been given a new appointment after a canmobileation 鈥� but when?鈥�
John Gledhill thought initially that Louise had undergone an exotic dental operation, then realised he was reading the result of a search-and-destroy (5 June 2010) attempt at automatic translation from US English, which labels mobile phones as 鈥渃ells鈥�, to the UK equivalent. So the word subjected to the tender mercies of the translator to create the bizarre concoction above was in fact 鈥渃ancellation鈥�.
Putting your elbow in your ear
鈥淕ENERATIONS of medical students and doctors have been taught to tell their patients to 鈥榥ever put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear鈥�,鈥� Michael Glanfield, himself a doctor, assures us. The Asda supermarket chain has clearly taken this advice to heart. The warning on its own brand 鈥淒鈥� battery, which has a diameter of 3.3 centimetres, states 鈥溾�f swallowed or lodged in the ear or nose seek prompt medical attention鈥�.
Of icons, iconicons and bicons
WHAT name should be given to computer features that represent out-of-date concepts (10 September)? Ken Gibbs agrees that readers鈥� suggestions like 鈥渋conicon鈥�, 鈥渋gon鈥� and 鈥渁nachricon鈥� 鈥済ive the flavour鈥�, as he puts it. 鈥淏ut they don鈥檛 somehow convey my own feeling on the subject. Shouldn鈥檛 you just let bicons be bicons?鈥�
Ken duly wins this week鈥檚 鈥渢errible pun in Feedback鈥� award.
鈥淏Y NOW you will have noticed that the sole purpose of our exotic expeditions is to gather gems for Feedback,鈥� says regular contributor Jenny Narraway.
Her latest is the multilingual wording on a waste bin seen on a walking holiday in the Azores. It said: 鈥淟ixo Indiferenciado鈥� for Portuguese speakers, 鈥淧oubelle Indif茅renci茅鈥� for French speakers and, for the English, 鈥淯ndistinguished trash鈥�.
鈥淣eedless to say, the bin was empty,鈥� says Jenny.
FINALLY, yes, we know, Feedback has frequently called a halt to reporting instances of nominative determinism, the phenomenon of people鈥檚 line of work fitting their surname. But we can鈥檛 resist Alan Russell鈥檚 observation of the concentrated determinism displayed by the page listing the European Southern Observatory鈥檚 science staff in Santiago, Chile ().
Henri Boffin appears immediately above Stephane Brillant. Alan suspects that Willem-Jan de Wit may have been humorously involved in this; our money鈥檚 on Jeff Wagg.