Sniffex fails to sniff explosives
FEEDBACK鈥檚 gargantuan piling system has irrevocably lost all trace of the route by which we acquired a printout of a report by the US Naval Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technology Division entitled 鈥淭he detection capability of the Sniffex handheld explosives detector鈥� and marked 鈥淔or official use only鈥�. Honest, Your Honour, we have no idea. But while reading around this topic to find out more, we were delighted to come across this same report online at .
鈥淲arwick Kelly saw a puzzling sign on a door at the Kanwal Medical Centre in New South Wales, Australia. It said: 鈥淧lease leave this door open (unless in use)鈥�
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We feel justified in quoting extracts of this 2005 report for the purposes of criticism and review, for it is a masterpiece of that underappreciated genre: crystal-clear bureaucratic reportage. 鈥淭he SNIFFEX,鈥� the report explains, 鈥渋s a handheld device with two main components: the body and the antenna.鈥� The resemblance to a dowsing rod is striking: the antenna rotates when explosives are detected, it is claimed. The body includes two magnets and a brass cylinder which 鈥渃ontains an unknown gas whose nature is considered a trade secret鈥�. The navy鈥檚 report concludes: 鈥淭he SNIFFEX鈥� does not work.鈥�
We can assign a high level of intuitive confidence to this conclusion, given the following account: 鈥淭he operator proceeded to walk around the outside perimeter of the [test] building while 20 pounds of TNT were inside. As he walked, the SNIFFEX indicated that explosives were present within the building as evidenced by a clear antenna deflection. However, as he was noting the positive indication of explosives in the structure, two explosives trucks containing a total of 1000 pounds of explosive drove up behind him to a distance of approximately 20 feet away. The SNIFFEX failed to show any indication of this much larger quantity of explosives.鈥�
Like the testers, however, we must keep a straight face on this. A number of superficially similar devices are still on the market, but we cannot comment on these due to ongoing legal proceedings.
鈥淒ON鈥橳 let your prostate rule your life!鈥� proclaimed the letter from Stirling Health that arrived at Peter Gardner鈥檚 house.
鈥淒ear Mrs Gardner,鈥� it went on, 鈥淚 imagine you will find it hard to believe that I could almost immediately help you to be free of all the painful, embarrassing and uncomfortable symptoms of having a prostate problem鈥︹��
鈥淗ard to believe indeed,鈥� is Peter鈥檚 comment.
A FEW days ago, a colleague received a message from the Tesco supermarket chain regarding delivery of goods he had ordered. It read: 鈥淵our delivery slot is currently reserved for Monday 1st January 0001 00:00 鈥� 00:00. Would you like us to extend your reservation for a further 2 hours?鈥�
鈥淚t appears,鈥� our colleague notes, 鈥渢hat my shopping will be delivered at midnight on the first of January 0001. I have already missed it by over 2000 years, but I can still put it back by 2 hours if I want.鈥�
ONE million molecules of protection are offered by Sure Men V8 Special Edition antiperspirant spray, apparently. The chemists among you will already be thinking along the same lines as Leo Condron, who points out that 1 million molecules of the active ingredient, aluminium chlorohydrate, would weigh 0.02897 femtograms. That鈥檚 nearly 30 million-million-millionths of a gram. Expressing it in blue whales would hardly be useful 鈥� but looking out of the window we are inspired to declare 1 femtogram to be a 10-billionth of the mass of an aphid, or 50-million-millionths as massive as a pine pollen grain. Does this help?
Looking for confirmation of the Sure (also marketed as Rexona) claim online, we find instead the Sure Men Quantum 24h Antiperspirant Deodorant at . Yes, it鈥檚 the q-word again, doing nothing useful as usual. Need we say more? Only that elsewhere, the million molecules claim has mutated into 鈥�. At this breakneck rate, it would take a mere billion years to accumulate a potentially useful dose of 1 gram.
IN THE travel supplement of UK newspaper The Times, Meghann Mears recently found an article entitled 鈥淪low down: 20 great car-free breaks鈥�. It lists holiday destinations where cars are not allowed.
The first suggestion was Tresco in the Scilly Isles, which is described thus: 鈥淭he largest of the car-free Scilly Isles off the Cornish coast, Tresco is still tiny at just over 1 sq m鈥�.
鈥淣o wonder cars aren鈥檛 allowed there,鈥� says Meghann. 鈥淵ou wouldn鈥檛 be able to fit one on.鈥�
Posthumous symphonies excluded
FINALLY, in the 30 April issue of the BBC鈥檚 Radio Times magazine, the last question in the weekly Egghead Quiz is: 鈥淗ow many symphonies did Beethoven compose in his lifetime?鈥�
Rosemary Wells points out that this is helpfully worded to ensure we discount the ones he wrote before he was born and after he had died.