IT was one of those life-changing breakthroughs in comprehending how the
Universe works. Like the moment the periodic table of the elements first made
sense, or realising that tubes of tomato pur茅e should be opened with the
spike on the top of the cap, not with a front door key.
For years, the great and the good of the scientific establishment have been
lobbying broadcasters to report science and technology more intelligently.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Rather than trying to wise up science coverage, we should
be campaigning to dumb down other 鈥渟pecialist鈥� subjects. After all, it鈥檚 the
spirit of the age.
Here鈥檚 a sneak preview of how the new, accessible, socially inclusive, news
bulletin might sound. 鈥淲elcome back. I鈥檓 Kent Countryside with the day鈥檚 news.
First, sport. Just in: news of a breakthrough from the world of 鈥榓ssociation
football鈥欌�攁s the British call soccer. On the line is our sports
correspondent Gaz Parrot. Gaz, what鈥檚 the excitement about?鈥�
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鈥淲ell, Kent, it happened at an event called a football match between two
teams of 11 men called Arsenal and Dulwich. The aim is for players to propel a
ball between a pair of white posts, known as the opposing side鈥檚 鈥榞oal鈥�, mainly
by kicking it.
鈥淣ow, normally in this sort of encounter, you would expect the Arsenal
players to kick the ball into the Dulwich goal much more often than Dulwich
players kick the ball into the Arsenal goal, positioned at the opposite end of
the playing area. This is because Arsenal is a much richer organisation and can
afford to employ some of the best people in the world at kicking a ball.
鈥淭oday, however, Dulwich managed to propel the ball into Arsenal鈥檚 goal five
times while Arsenal couldn鈥檛 manage a single 鈥榮hot鈥�. This is what is called a
five-nil victory.鈥�
鈥淔ascinating, Gaz. And this result follows last year鈥檚 upset in world series
产补蝉别产补濒濒?鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 exactly right, Kent. But most experts say the two phenomena, although
both involving grown men playing with a ball, are not linked.鈥�
鈥淎nd what about the practical applications of this breakthrough? Are we
talking, for example, about an end to football tedium?鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 too early to talk about a cure, but the result takes a small team
through to the next round of what experts call the 鈥楩A Cup鈥�.鈥�
鈥淕az, I understand that some controversy surrounds the result. We鈥檙e getting
reports that the official in charge of the game suffered from impaired
别测别蝉颈驳丑迟.鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 what some Arsenal fans claimed, Kent, but most experts put Dulwich鈥檚
victory down to the inspired ball control of dazzling new Brazilian signing,
Carlos . . .鈥�
鈥淗a ha, that all sounds a bit technical for us lay people, Gaz. Thanks very
much. And now financial news. Wall Street, a district of New York that is home
to many businesses which earn money by buying and selling tokens representing
the ownership of other companies, is in shock following the sudden decline in a
number calculated by averaging out the price of the best-known such tokens . . .鈥�
Hmm. As a breakthrough in understanding, it still needs a little more thought . . .