IT鈥橲 CHRISTMAS MORNING. I love Christmas because it鈥檚 a family time (well,
that鈥檚 what my dad says) and my family鈥檚 kind of . . . um . . . interesting. I鈥檓
Ivy, by the way, and I鈥檓 eight. I live with my mum Erica, my dad Henry and my
horrible twin sister Holly, who鈥檚 ten.
My presents are on one side of the tree, Holly鈥檚 are on the other, and there
are masses of them. That鈥檚 the great thing about our family: we get one huge
load of presents from our mum and dad, and then another huge load from our
surrogate mums. You see, Mum and Dad are really busy and important, so they
always have someone else to help out with things, even when it comes to having
babies. Holly鈥檚 other mum鈥攈er surrogate mum鈥攊s a nice lady called
Mrs Hatch and mine is my real mum鈥檚 sister, Aunt Catherine. I guess that sort of
makes me my own cousin, doesn鈥檛 it?
Halfway through opening the presents, Dad suddenly jumps up and says, 鈥淥h, I
nearly forgot.鈥� He leaves the room and returns a minute later with two more
parcels. 鈥淎nd these are from Mr Ratty,鈥� he says with a big smile. We tear into
the wrapping.
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Don鈥檛 worry, he鈥檚 not going mad or anything鈥攊t鈥檚 just a joke we have in
our house. Mum and Dad have always been upfront about the way we were born.
Mum鈥檚 eggs were removed from her body when she was a lot younger, fertilised in
a dish, and then frozen until she had what she calls 鈥渁 window in my diary鈥�.
Dad had a bit of a problem making sperm, but the doctors put some of his
cells inside a rat, which helped do the job for him. So it鈥檚 only fair that the
rat should give us a Christmas present too, isn鈥檛 it? And this year, I鈥檝e got
just what I wanted: Natalie, the Biotech Professor. She鈥檚 an educational robot
toy, in the 鈥淩ole Models鈥� series; she wears a business suit, and when you switch
her on she follows you around the house, presenting interactive tutorials.
Around noon, Grandma and Grandad arrive with Aunt Lauretta, my mum鈥檚 other
sister. Right away, there鈥檚 trouble. Aunt Lauretta is whiny and bad-tempered,
and she won鈥檛 keep her hands off my new toys. She grabs Natalie and we end up
fighting鈥攁nd it鈥檚 me who gets told off! Did I mention that Aunt Lauretta鈥檚
only six? You see, Grandma decided she wanted another baby when she retired, so
she bought some eggs on the Internet and, well, the result was Aunt Lauretta.
While Mum and Grandma are telling me off, I realise that Aunt Lauretta has run
off with my Natalie toy.
By late afternoon, loads of people are arriving for our big family party.
Uncle David and Auntie Marion are the first to appear, with their three boys and
three girls: Charlotte (11), Alex (9), Emily (7), Roly (5), Anne (3) and Bernard
(1). Uncle David鈥檚 kids are incredibly clever and polite, and Mum and Dad are
always asking me why I鈥檓 not like them.
They鈥檙e so perfect they make me sick鈥攕o I go and hide in my bedroom and
start up my chatterbot. But I leave the door open and I can鈥檛 help overhearing
Uncle David talking to Grandad on the stairs. I don鈥檛 understand much of it, but
I keep hearing the words 鈥渟creening鈥� and 鈥渆mbryo selection鈥�, and the names of
the children. Whatever it is, I don鈥檛 like the sound of anything that could make
you turn out like my cousins.
I can鈥檛 wait for Grandpa鈥攖hat鈥檚 Dad鈥檚 dad鈥攖o get here. Grandpa
Ozzie is the oldest in our family. He鈥檚 85, and he鈥檚 fun. He usually arrives on
his vintage motorbike and sometimes he lets me sit on it. I rush to the door
when I hear the bell, but it鈥檚 not Ozzie. Instead it鈥檚 my dad鈥檚 brother Andy and
his partner Roger鈥攁nd guess what? They鈥檝e brought their new baby with
them. Everyone coos and clucks at little Misty, who I must admit is pretty cute
for a boy. Dad opens yet another bottle of wine and proposes a toast鈥攖o
Misty, to assisted reproduction and to Christmas. Aunt Lauretta and two of my
perfect cousins have disappeared, and I still can鈥檛 find Natalie.
Someone asks the proud dads whether they鈥檒l be having any more babies, and
they laugh nervously and say 鈥済ive us a chance鈥�. Then someone mentions 鈥渘ew
methods鈥�, and all the grown-ups look serious and start talking about artificial
wombs and male pregnancies. I soon get bored and go looking for Aunt Lauretta,
but I don鈥檛 get far before the doorbell rings again.
Dad flings the door open and Grandpa Ozzie strides in, his leather coat
flapping. There鈥檚 a sort of wild smell about him, but he hasn鈥檛 brought the
motorbike, just the convertible. I鈥檓 a bit disappointed, but that soon
disappears when he introduces the girl who鈥檚 leaning on his shoulder. 鈥淭his is
Marilyn,鈥� he announces proudly.
Marilyn looks about 25 and is wearing the most amazingly tight red dress and
stilettos. I can鈥檛 work out if she鈥檚 pregnant or just fat, but Ozzie seems very
attentive towards her. He keeps patting her belly and smiling. The rest of the
family swap glances and I can tell something鈥檚 wrong. Dad starts to look
grumpy.
Things are getting tense in our living room. Ozzie and Marilyn are sitting on
the sofa and he鈥檚 got his hand on her knee. Finally my dad turns to Ozzie and
says what everyone鈥檚 thinking. 鈥淐ome on, Dad. You always said you鈥檇 talk it over
with the family before you got yourself cloned. What鈥檚 going on?鈥�
Ozzie raises an eyebrow. 鈥淵ou always did jump to conclusions,鈥� he says. He
turns to Marilyn with a greedy look on his face, then looks back at my dad.
鈥淗enry my boy, do you think getting cloned would be more fun than . . . 鈥�
But we don鈥檛 hear any more, because just then Aunt Lauretta, Roly and Emily
burst into the room, giggling noisily. They鈥檙e carrying Natalie, who seems to
have swapped her business suit for combat gear, and her smile for a scowl. All
at once, Natalie leaps from Lauretta鈥檚 arms and starts rampaging around the
room, breaking ornaments and hurling peanuts at my astonished relatives. My
cousins have obviously reprogrammed her, because instead of presenting a
balanced view of a complex subject, she鈥檚 screaming, 鈥淐ut genetics funding
苍辞飞!鈥�
Auntie Marion looks at Uncle David and says, 鈥淵ou never told me this sort of
thing would happen.鈥� Mum yells, 鈥淪top that!鈥� and rushes over to the table, where
Natalie is trashing the buffet, but she collides with Dad and they fall to the
floor, under a rain of mince pies and turkey sandwiches.
Safe in their hiding place behind the sofa, Ozzie and Marilyn are kissing . .
. gross! In the light from the table lamp, he looks happier than ever.