OH HIT. One of the key on my computer ha fallen off. Now, can I write an
article without the letter between A and D on the keyboard? Probably not: hang
on while I get the uperglue. Ah, that鈥檚 better. It鈥檚 amazing how computer makers
get away with supplying such flimsy plastic keyboards. They ought to be ashamed
of them鈥攐n second thoughts, that鈥檚 exactly what they are.
High-tech gurus have been telling us for 30 years that the QWERTY keyboard
will soon be a thing of the past. The first great promise was speech
recognition. It works鈥攕ome of the time. The British Ministry of Defence
recently boasted about a system that is 鈥�95 per cent accurate鈥�. I just hope they
don鈥檛 use it to launch missiles.
The latest effort is to teach computers to lip-read. Fans of 2001: A
Space Odyssey will remember this as one of HAL鈥檚 accomplishments. But that,
you may recall, didn鈥檛 do anyone much good. Undaunted, computer firms are
ploughing ahead with even more exotic 鈥渉uman-computer interfaces鈥�. IBM, in a
project with the suspicious code-name BlueEyes, reckons an eyeball-steered
cursor is just around the corner for everyone to use. Or rather, it isn鈥檛. IBM鈥檚
small print admits its innovation, called MAGIC (another worrying sign), will
direct the cursor only to a general area, where a conventional mouse will take
over.
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Don鈥檛 worry. Other teams are working on replacing keyboards with brain
implants or devices, that recognise bodily gestures. But while we wait for the
breakthrough, the industry continues to foist on its customers those flimsy
plastic keyboards.
Here鈥檚 another idea. Instead of treating the keyboard as an awkward
evolutionary legacy, let鈥檚 celebrate the most productive man-machine interface
ever created. Instead of trying to render them so slim as to be invisible, we
should recreate the classic keyboard in all its tactile glory: three-dimensional
structures of lubricated precision engineering, with the 鈥渢ouch-me鈥� come-on of a
Vincent Black Shadow motorcycle.
Although looking (and sounding) like traditional upright typewriters, these
electromechanical interfaces will rely on space-age materials and innovative
software. Instead of the fiddly shift key, for example, we will make capital
letters simply by HITTING THE KEYS HARDER. Perfect for those e-mail flames. The
mouse, meanwhile, will run on precision ball bearings across a slate
mat鈥攖he only maintenance will be to replace the green baize every decade
or so. And when we go shopping for the new peripherals, forget all this nonsense
about e-commerce. Rather, we will place an order in person at a discreet little
shop off Curzon Street or Fifth Avenue. Immaculate shop assistants will deftly
measure the spread of our fingers and offer slightly patronising advice: 鈥淢ost
of our left-handed gentlemen prefer a slightly firmer spring in the letter T,
蝉颈谤鈥�
The Burlington Original Tactile PC Interface won鈥檛 come cheap, but
advertisements will remind us that we鈥檙e mere custodians for future generations.
And typing the most mundane URL will make us feel like a Hemingway. The physical
exercise involved will banish fears about repetitive strain injury.
Now, can anyone ssuggessst how to unglue my finger from the SSS key?